Living A Lie
by oceanapart
Summary: After a failed relationship and a string of one night stands, Sara gets the shock of her life. What happens next? CS eventually. Ch 3 up
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We don't own 'em…**

**Chapter 1: Sara**

This is how it's been for the last nine weeks. Every night that I have off—and even some that I don't—I head to this local hot spot that's become a favorite hangout for me and nearly every twenty-something year-old in Clarke County. They're a bit younger than me, but that doesn't matter. Greg introduced me to this place—his place to pick up unsuspecting women of questionable moral character. In other words, women who are willing to trade their bodies for a few free drinks. And while he was busy picking up girls, I was busy accepting a veritable rainbow of alcoholic concoctions from younger men.

The music is just loud enough to drown out the conversations of others, but not so loud as to keep you from enjoying the ramblings of whomever you're with. It's a place to escape—to be who you want to be—or who they want you to be. And as long as you remember that you're not playing for keeps and that this is all about one thing—then it's all good.

I'm in a room crowded with people and I have one of my best friends here with me tonight, but I still feel so alone. It's weird how that happens—how sometimes even in a crowded room you feel utterly alone. And at other times, when you're by yourself and despair is banging on the door with both fists, the simple thought of a friend or the gentle kiss of a past lover is enough to stave off the loneliness. And when they aren't enough or you feel like you can't trust the memory, there are tricks to help you forget. But I'm not here tonight trying to forget. I'm here tonight hoping to remember.

The hand moving in front of my eyes snaps me back to reality—as shitty as it is right now.

"Sorry," I say as I smile at the beautiful blonde here with me tonight.

"It's no problem," she says as she tips her beer back in a way that makes me wish I could look at her as something other than a friend. "So, as I was saying," she continues as she puts the drained bottle back down on the table between us. "Have you located your next victim, er, boy toy?"

I just shake my head and put the bottled water I've been nursing back on the table. As I start to peel the label off the bottle, she puts her hand over mine and pulls it toward her.

"Sara."

The way she breathes my name more than says it makes me smile and I gently squeeze her fingers before pulling my hand back and staring back out at the writhing bodies on the dance floor. She slides over closer to me and puts drapes her arm around me, pressing herself against me.

"You know," she starts as she plays with the tips of my hair, "you really should give up your ambition of fucking every swinging dick in Vegas. We really could be good together, Sar."

I turn toward her and place my hand on her cheek, noticing how her eyes sparkle at my initiation of contact. I don't even need to speak—to say the words that will hurt her. I never have. She just nods and slides over, putting a safe distance between us. I'm still watching her when I sense someone standing beside me.

"I know you, right?" His voice is deep and his blue eyes sparkle beneath a mop of wavy brown curls. "You're Sara, right?"

I just shake my head, "Sorry. My name's not Sara. It's," and I pause, searching for a name I can give him that isn't my own, "Sofia."

As soon as her name leaves my mouth I can feel her eyes boring holes into my skull.

"Are you sure? You look really familiar," he kneels down so that instead of towering over me he's a bit closer to my level. "I think we," he winks at me, "a few weeks ago."

Sensing my discomfort, Sofia (the real one) reaches over and takes my hand, jerking me toward her, "Baby, is there something you need to tell me?"

She's been out with me often enough to know when I need a little back-up.

"Oh, sorry," the guy admits as he stands up. "I could've sworn we knew each other."

He stands there, eyeing me and Sofia (once again, the real one) finally says, "You could get to know her tonight…both of us. I have this huge strap-on and we've been looking for the right guy to fuck with it." She lets her eyes roam over him for a second before adding, "I think you'd do."

"Uh, no thanks," he says as he turns and almost runs away from our table.

I lightly slap her on the shoulder, "You really shouldn't traumatize the young men of Vegas like that."

"Oh, I'm sorry, SOFIA! Geez, Sara, couldn't you use someone else's name? Make up a name? Something other than Sofia."

"I froze. I couldn't help it," I pick up my water and finish it before turning my back to Sofia and continuing to watch the orgy of dancing on the floor.

Sofia gets up and makes her way onto the floor, having spied a young woman that was in need of apparently a cavity search. How that woman manages to keep her job with all the sexual harassing she does is beyond me.

Several songs and, if I'm not mistaken, one orgasm (given, never received) later, Sofia comes back to our little corner.

"So what gives, Sar? You've been sitting here all night. Doing nothing but staring at everyone on that dance floor. You've turned down drinks. You've downed nothing but water. You're not being the Sara Sidle I've grown accustomed to since…"

I put up my hand to stop her. She knows that's off-limits—the one thing I won't discuss with her.

"Fine," she says. "Just tell me what the fuck is going on. Did one of those assholes do something? If so, tell me which one and I'll kick his ass as I'm hauling him downtown.

I can't help but smile at her offer. She's so hot when she acts all butch.

"Come on, Sara. What is it?"

"I'm just trying to figure out which one it is."

She slams her hands down on the table. "I knew it. I told you to be careful," she's quickly moved out of the booth and is standing and leaning against it. She's rolling her sleeves up as she says, "Which one is it? Just point him out."

"Down girl."

She frowns and doesn't bother rolling her sleeves back down as she slides back into the booth. "What do you mean you're trying to figure out which one it is?"

"You know, I've been coming here for more than two months now. I've slept with at least a dozen different guys," I turn toward her. "Most of 'em, I couldn't tell you their names, what they did for a living, or anything else about them."

I turn my gaze back to the dance floor before taking a deep breath and turning to my best friend. Here it was. Saying it out loud to someone was going to make it very real and I sure as fuck didn't know if I was going to be able to handle that.

Suddenly, I couldn't hear the music or feel the bass of it in my chest. The bodies on the dance floor were a blur and those that were milling around the club were moving in slow motion. Her hand on mine brought back my focus.

I nodded my head a few times and fought the tears that I knew were going to be shed once I told her. "I'm trying to figure out which one of them is…is the…the father of my baby."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: We don't own 'em…**

**Chapter 2: Catherine**

Here I am standing outside of Lindsay's school, something which I make the most of when I am able to do it. What with work I sometimes neglect my daughter, not on purpose of course. Other things just get in the way – relationships for one. But I've been able to do this for the last couple of months, not doing any double shifts; just concentrating on my daughter. I'm standing with a few other mothers; most of them younger than I am. While they worry about being the perfect housewife, I deal with being a single Mom and a full time job.

My mind blocks out all the gossip that's being thrown about, like which teacher is sleeping with whom or which kid has been thrown out lately. Though it's a place for me to escape – escape from the horrors I see everyday at work; the blood, the bone.

Even though I love my time with Lindsay I always crave for that touch of another human being. Whether it is a kiss or just a passing brush; what sort of human being wouldn't? I admit I am a very sexual person and I need the human contact, and it has been a while. There's hardly any Dad's about and they're not single Dad's at that.

"Catherine."

I snap my head to the right to see one of my friends who has a daughter the same age as Lindsay. She's gorgeous with her shiny brown hair and her brown eyes though she's married with a baby on the way. I'd still be happy with one night though. I just need to release the tension that's built up inside me.

"Hey Megan, how are you?" I lean back against my car and cross my arms in front of my chest, as I give her the faintest smile. Her hair gleams in the sun as she brushes it back behind her ear.

"I'm good, getting ready for junior. You seemed far away then." She leans back against the car with me.

"Sorry, just got things on my mind." I turn away from her and purse my lips together, not really wanting to carry on this conversation.

"Okay, you know I haven't seen--."

I take a deep breath and cut her off. "I really don't want to talk about it if that's okay?"

"Of course." A few seconds of awkward silence descends over us as we both look towards where the girls will be coming out, but I know that's over five minutes yet so I better make conversation.

"So, have you got everything ready for when Junior comes along?" I ask breaking the wall of silence. "Though I don't know how you're doing it."

"How I'm doing what?" She asks as she looks at me, one of her eyebrows cocked upwards.

"Having another kid so many years after having your first, I mean now that Lauren is 14 you and Steve would have all that time to yourself after she left for college."

She gives me a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders. "We spoke about that, but we didn't want Lauren to be an only child. I was an only child and I always wanted a brother or sister."

"Lindsay's always wanted a brother or sister and I've always felt guilty about not giving her one, though I think I'm a bit too old for that now." I know I am too old to have another one now, but I don't mind. I think I've done a pretty good job with the daughter I've got. We've certainly had our ups and downs; her attempted hitchhiking for one, but we get on pretty well now, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"No-one's ever too old to have another child." Megan retorts back as I raise my eyebrows at her.

"I know, but Lindsay's getting old enough now that soon I won't have too worry about a babysitter which means I can start dating again properly. I can start looking after myself for a change." My life recently has been about two things; my job and Lindsay and when Lindsay's a bit older I can change that.

"Well, I can't wait till this one's born. Lauren is so excited she even helped Steve paint the nursery though we don't even know what it is yet. It's not due for another couple of weeks." I look down at her stomach, she certainly is big; looks ready to drop at any minute.

"Well I couldn't do it, and I think Lindsay's happy being an only child now. I don't think she'd like vying for attention with a baby." I know my daughter and she would, she'd get all stroppy if I ignored her and was concentrating on the baby. No, there's no way in hell I am going through that again. Lindsay can be more than a handful at the best of times.

"Yeah I know what you mean. Do you ever worry about Lindsay?"

"How do you mean worry?"

"I mean do you worry about her growing up?" She asks as I put my hands in my back pockets of my jeans.

"Of course I do. Especially with the job I do it makes me worry even more. Believe me when I see kids on my job my mind instantly goes to Lindsay and I always have to check whether she's okay which means phoning her up in the middle of the night. But I don't care I just need to make sure she's safe. Do you worry about Lauren?"

"All the time especially when she goes out with friends. But that's part of growing up isn't it?"

"Yeah but they're growing up so fast aren't they? I mean it just felt like yesterday that I was holding her in my arms at the hospital." I know if I think back too much the tears are going to well up and I can't have that.

"They certainly are. Though I get to do it all again with this little one." I notice she looks down at her stomach and gives it an affectionate rub.

"Like I said, I couldn't do it again."

Before I can carry on the bell goes for end of the day. I know in a few minutes the students will be piling out, I talk for a few minutes with Megan before I look up and see Lindsay coming towards me. She certainly is growing up, and people say she looks like me more and more each day though I can't see it; apart from the fact we both have blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Hey Linds," I get no reply in return which I don't expect. After all she is a teenager. I wave goodbye to Megan and jump in the car as Lindsay gets in the passenger side. I look over at Lindsay who's looking ahead with a face like thunder.

"How was school?" I ask as I drive away from the school.

"Okay," I look over as she shrugs her shoulders. Thinking back on my conversation with Megan, I won't be putting myself through this again with another child any time soon.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: We don't own 'em…**

**Chapter 3: Sara**

It's been a few days since I came clean with Sofia. She didn't believe me at first. It was quite amusing watching her spew beer from her nose when she realized I wasn't joking. Then came the questions. Of course, I had very few answers. That didn't stop her. Rapid fire…one after another. What was I going to do? How long had I known? How far along? What was I going to do? How could I not know who the father was? What was I going to do? And lingering unspoken was the one question she knew better than to ask if she valued her life.

Every time we manage to bump into one another at work, she asks what I'm going to do. I suppose she thinks that my answer will have changed from the last time she asked. Plain and simple—I really have no idea. I suppose if I paid attention to names …or faces…eventually I could have a paternity test to see who the father is, but I didn't. So that's not an option. I can't even fathom the possibility of not going to term with my baby, so there's really only one thing to do.

I have to start preparing to live my life as a single mother. And that's going to change everything. No more double and triple shifts. No more random one night stands. No more drinking. I have to take care of me so that I can take care of my baby.

As much as I didn't plan for this…and as much as I wish it wasn't the case…I can't help but smile every single time I think _my baby_. That's where my thoughts are when Sofia leans closer to me and says, "Are you going to tell anyone?"

Sometimes I could kill the woman if she wasn't pretty much the only friend I feel like I have left at this point. She's been good—up to this point. Only asking her questions when she's certain we're alone. But now, now we're not. In fact, the whole team is here. Greg solved a major case and to celebrate, we're sitting here in some dive diner with greasy food and old coffee. No one seems to notice though. Everyone is wrapped up in their own conversations. Greg and the guys are talking about some new club opening up. Catherine, Gil and Brass are talking about some old case or some old Vegas story that the rest of us wouldn't know anything about. And Sofia, well, Sofia seems hell-bent on getting me to talking about off-limits conversation topic number two.

I clinch my jaw and my lips form a tight line across my face. I fight every basic instinct to take the fork in my hand and jab it in her eye.

"Seriously, Sara," she continues, "are you going to say…"

I slam my hand down on the table as I turn toward her and give her the most evil look I can muster. Before I speak, I realize that all conversations at our table have ceased. Uneasily, I turn and look at the faces of my colleagues—all of whom are silently asking what the hell is going on between Sofia and me.

I duck my head and avoid their eyes while reaching into my pocket and pulling out some cash. I slide toward Greg, bumping into him and signaling that I want out of the booth as I toss the cash onto the table. As I walk away I hear Gil and Rick both calling after me, wanting to know if I'm okay. I can't help but ignore them. Sofia caused me to draw attention to myself—something I am usually loathe to do.

I pause in the parking lot to pull my sunglasses out of my jacket pocket and that's all the time she needs to catch up with me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to run you off," Sofia explains. That cocky, butch attitude she normally sports is kicked to the side as she softens and tries to explain herself.

I put my hands up to silence her. "You knew what you were doing, Sof. You knew! You sat right there across from…fuck, it doesn't matter. I'm going home."

I turn to walk away before spinning back around, "Just tell 'em I wasn't feeling well."

I know that once she goes back in there she's going to be subjected to Grissom's stare and Catherine's unceasing questions about why I left the way I did. I think that's punishment enough for Sofia at this point.

The entire drive back to my place all I can think about is how everyone will react once I do tell them. The team pretty much picked sides weeks ago—which is why I ended up with Sofia and Greg as pretty much my lone friends. I'd have thought that as adults we could all continue to work together without doing something as juvenile as picking sides, but I guess I was wrong.

I make my way through the early morning traffic of Vegas and find myself at my apartment. Since I found out I'm pregnant, I've been trying to take better care of myself. That means eating and sleeping—two things that I previously considered thieves of my time. I toss my keys on the bar in the kitchen and fall onto the couch. It doesn't take long for me to succumb to sleep.

I'm not sure how long I managed to lie on the couch before my cell phone woke me. The incessant buzzing on my hip pulled me from one of the countless dreams I've been having lately.

I pull my phone free from its holster and flip it open without even checking the caller ID.

My voice is still thick with sleep as I say, "Sidle."

"Sara, it's Catherine."

I pulled myself into a seated position and tried to quickly wake up.

"Sara? You there?"

"Yeah, sorry, Cath. I was asleep," I answered, stifling a yawn.

I could hear her take a deep breath before she continued. "I need a favor and I really hate to ask you, but..."

I stood up and started walking to my bedroom. I knew that whatever it was that she needed it was going to involve me leaving my apartment and I'd need to shower first. "It's no problem, Cath. What do you need?"

"We caught a break on a case so I can't get away to pick Linds up from school. Do you mind?"

Even though I had really wanted to lounge around my apartment all day, I agreed. "Sure."

"Thanks, Sar. I appreciate it," she hesitated for a moment and I knew that she wanted to ask something else.

"Anything else?"

There was silence on the other end of the phone before she finally added quietly, "No, that's it."

In less than half an hour, I had showered, dressed and parked outside of Lindsey's school. It was too warm to sit in the truck and wait on her and I wanted to make sure she'd see me, so I got out and stood next to the Denali. It wasn't long before another parent made her way over to me.

I smiled as she walked up to me.

"Sara," she beamed as she pulled me into a hug. "I was just asking Catherine about you the other day! How have you been?"

"I'm alright, can't really complain, ya know?"

She slapped me on the shoulder as she laughed and added, "It wouldn't do you any good anyway, would it?"

"Probably not." I pointed toward her stomach, "How far along are you now? You look like you're ready to pop any day now."

Instinctively, her hands went to her stomach and she lit up like a Christmas tree. "Seven months now."

In the distance, I could hear the bell ring ending the school day. I was secretly praying that Lindsey would make it out quickly so that I wouldn't be stuck in a conversation with Megan for very long.

"Oh!" she cooed as she reached over and grabbed my hand, placing it on her protruding belly. "Can you feel it?"

A slow smile filled my face as I felt the firm kick against my palm through her stomach.

"So are you and Catherine…"

"SARA!!" Luckily, before Megan could finish her question, Lindsey plowed into me and threw her arms around me.

I smiled at Megan as I ruffled Lindsey's hair. "I guess I better get this one home. It was good to see you again." I waved goodbye to her as I climbed into my truck.

As I start the truck I notice the gleeful smile on Lindsey's face. God, she looks so much like her mother sometimes. I wonder if she'll grow up to be the heartbreaker that her mother is.

"Don't," I warn as she goes to open her mouth to speak. "Don't ask. Nothing has changed. Your mom just needed me to pick you up since she was working a case."

She sulks and sits back in the seat with her arms crossed over her chest.

Ten minutes later when we pull up in her driveway, she sprints from the truck and unlocks the door to her house, disappearing up the stairs before I've ever shut the driver's side door.

Shaking my head I begin to wonder if I can deal with a baby much less a teenager whose moods change faster than the songs on her iPod.


End file.
